Miscarriage #...

I've debated on whether or not I wanted to post anything about my latest miscarriage experience. But, I've discovered an overwhelming support from those who have been through similar experiences, and I've been so uplifted and forever changed - so I've decided to write a little about the experience.

We found out we were expecting on Christmas Eve. It was a wonderful surprise for us, and we were filled with hope, and a little fear. I immediately scheduled an appointment with my OB, since my last pregnancy in 2007 ended in ectopic rupture and removal of my tube. I walked on pins and needles for a few weeks while we anxiously waited to find out if...in fact, this pregnancy was in my tube, or in my uterus. Finally, the all of the results were in, and everything was fine. The sac was in my uterus, and the fetal pole was located. We were thrilled. We thought that we had passed all the "scary" parts of pregnancy that we had previously experienced.

We told Jaxon, and were planning on announcing at exactly the 13 week mark on Valentines Day.

Because my pregnancy are all considered "high-risk" I had weekly monitoring and ultrasounds. on Jan 21st I went in for my routine weekly visit thinking nothing of it. It seemed to take forever to finally see the Dr, but I was relieved that he had the ultrasound machine all hooked up and ready for me. He had some troubles with the machine itself, and switched machines in the middle of the ultrasound. I thought nothing of it. Then, with the newer, high-tech device...I could see the look on his face...and my thought was "uh-oh". He began to explain to me that the fetus no longer had a heartbeat and things were not looking good. I started to fade out and think to myself, "but it's not ectopic, so what's the matter"....

I finally pulled my thoughts together and understood that the baby's heartbeat had stopped on the same day of my last visit. So, it had been one week that the baby had stopped developing, and there I was thinking I was still pregnant the whole time. I still felt sick. I still had all the normal pregnancy signs, only I didn't sleep that week - not hardly at all. I woke up several times in the night wondering what in the world was keeping me from my much needed rest. Well, I know now that it was a sign that something just wasn't quite right. Almost like my body knew, but my mind was totally unaware.

The Dr. continued to explain to me that I could wait until a natural miscarriage, or have a D&C. He recommended a D&C due to the fact that there was no blood in my uterus, and it could be weeks, and even a month before my body realized that the fetus was dead.

So, the D&C was scheduled, and I broke the news to John. It was hard because after my Dr. apt I had to take a test for one of my classes, and wow, talk about not being able to focus...that was incredibly hard. As much as I wanted to break down and just cry...I couldn't - I had things to do. Finally after what seemed like forever - I left the library, and called John. He was so incredibly kind, understanding, and sad. He left work immediately and met me at home with the most incredible humongous bouquet of flowers I have ever seen. He was really remarkable. Of course, the moment I saw him...I broke down in tears. What I experienced after that was so touching and spiritual, that it's not appropriate to share on a blog, but it was a real testimony of my love for my husband, and my part in this wonderful Plan of Salvation.

The day of the D&C came soon enough. I was anxious, nervous, and ready to just get it over with. When I finally arrived home that day, I was surrounded by my true friends who made meals, called, and cared for me and my family. It was so inspiring and uplifting, it was hard to be sad, but I was truly morning the loss of this pregnancy.

My friend Roshanna came over with her husband the night before. She has been through this several times, only - much worse. Her husband and John gave me a blessing. I really do feel so grateful for that experience. I remember praying more for Roshanna than for myself.

The recovery was pretty standard. I had a few minor complications, and had everything treated. I think the hardest part was having my body adjust to no longer being pregnant, and getting my emotions back in control.

Everything has changed for me since this last experience. This has been the hardest miscarriage for me...much harder than the other three. I feel that I have been inspired, and directed, and am in the process of changing a few things in my life - to eliminate stress. I've also had a greater desire to be a mother. I love my Jaxon so much, and am so blessed to have him. He fills a part in my heart that I am so grateful for, and he has been my little man through all of this.

I do know that somehow I have children waiting to get here, I just wish I knew when and how they would come. It's part of the learning, growing, and having Faith process - isn't it. I also know that this has been an experience that has shown me who my true friends and family are. I know that I couldn't do this without their support.

I now understand that what I went through was much more common than I thought before. So many women have endured so much in order to bring our little ones here. It's so inspiring to hear all of their stories, and how their experiences have touched my life for the good. I am grateful for my husband, for his love, his kindness, and how much he has truly changed over this last year. He really is one amazing man! For now, I'm moving forward and doing the best I can do every day. I have hopes that one day I will be a mother again, and have faith that it will happen on the Lord's time.